Right, here we go. I’m about to rant! You’ll discover I’ve quite a skill in this department. Although it’s something I’d rather not have to do, I feel compelled to express my contempt for people who seem to think they have the god given right to be as obnoxious as possible!

Take today for example, I was shopping in a local supermarket. I haven’t been to this supermarket for some time and (due to the fact that shops seem to think it’s immense fun to move products on an hourly basis) I was somewhat disorientated. I stopped momentarily to find my bearings and hopefully locate the self raising flour, which I hastened to add was like trying to find the holy grail.

Now remember, I’m lost (kind of) and trying to look beyond all the goodies the store has to offer and simply locate the flour aisle so I was not proceeding in a particularly swift fashion. Stopping at a crossroads somewhere between cold meats, pet food, firelighters and pasta sauce, imagine my shock as I was struck by a trolley!

On turning around ,you may expect, as I was, to be greeted by a quick “Sorry, didn’t see you there”. No. I was met by a portly, grey haired man who I guess was around 70. He continued to push his trolley into me, forcing me out the way in much the same way as earth moving equipment might do when making way for a new road! The cherry on the bakewell is that he had the audacity to say, in a relly smug, arrogant manner “Well, don’t stop”. Oh right, I’ll just keep moving shall I? Would it please you if I never stopped anywhere, for anything? Heaven forbid I get in his way and stop the supermarket sweep he obviously thought he was entering!

Now, I’m not known for keeping quiet in the face of injustice but I’m pleased to say I didn’t swear at all. I pissing could have, that shit faced bastard… but no, I remained calm and collected as I said to him “Good god, how rude” in my best headmistress tone. His wife, who was clearly trying make out she wasn’t his wife went the most vivid shade of crimson and couldn’t even look at me.

I don’t know why I was surprised by this incident, it seems pretty normal for people to behave in this way and actually feel justified in doing so. I think it’s a reflection of society in general that you can be a real shit and in many cases become famous, successful and wealthy as a result. Just look at “reality” TV, like that god awful cooking/ kitchen crap with some “celebrity” chef. I don’t recall the cretin’s name but he was paid to produce a TV show where he got to yell, swear and humiliate those working for him. Yes, working!

I wonder what kind of effect this will eventually have on the younger generation. What does it teach them? That you can be as rude, intolerant, arrogant and as foul mouthed as possible and hey, you might get a TV show!?!

I’m not done on this subject, as you can probably tell! However, I refuse to bought down by these horrible people who have clearly missed the point of life, love, laughter and all things pretty and nice in the world. I pity them, they don’t know what they’re missing and quite frankly if they ever work it out it’ll probably be too late! I’m off to laugh now… because I can… and it feels great! So, f*** off trolley monster!

Ok, we have lots more to talk about. Well, by that I mean I’m going to write stuff and you just have to read! Yay!… a captive audience!

I should probably explain why I’m writting this (of course that very much relies on someone reading it and actually caring!) But hey, I’m a positive thinker and why wouldn’t the general public want to read about me and my dysfunctional but highly amusing friends?

You will note there that I refer only to my friends being dysfunctional, not me. There’s a reason for that…they are all mad as cucumbers…and I’m not. Now, you may think this somewhat unkind, believe me it isn’t. I love them all dearly but they are mad.

I, on the other hand am not mad but I don’t consider myself perfect either. Well, I’m almost Mary Poppins, you know “Practicley Perfect In Every Way”…ok, watch the film if that made no sense! Ok, I have my moments but not usually in the elaborate fashion my friends do. You’ll get to hear all about this in time.

Anyway, there are a couple more ‘Cows’ I need to tell you about… (they are of course people not cows but I guess you’re getting the hang of this by now. If not, best of luck!)

I failed to introduce ‘Dizzy Cow’ in my first post… (or article or whatever you want to call it). She hadn’t been given a cow title at that time but as she’ll undoubtedly be mentioned in these posts, it was only fair to welcome her into the fold. Dizzy. The name just fit’s.
All will become apparent in subsequant entries. Trust me!

Then we have the reason I’m actually writing this. Which I think is what I intended to explain when I started this peice… but I got side tracked a bit. Anyway, this cow is still untitled and I guess it should be a bull, because he’s a boy!

I won’t go into too much detail (don’t want to embarass him you understand) but he’s just the most wonderfull man in the world! He also happens to be incredably clever, talented, passionate (oh my!), sexy, attractive and tecnically minded! The technically minded bit really refers to his skill and knowledege relating to computing.

I fall into a category approx 10 million miles away from that. A place where technology has bypassed me alltoghther…and guess what, I don’t care. Well I did care but there was nobody around to guide me so I kind of gave up! Untill now! Anyway, Mr Wonderfull (still need to think of a cow name so I’ll call him this for now) explained you can create your own site and say what you want. Now, I can talk (you’ve worked that out allready have’nt you? he he), so here I am! Unleashed on the world!

I guess this is really a kind of journel. A place where I can recount funny stories, thoughts, feelings, opinions, ideas and have a good rant about all the stuff that really get’s my goat! or should that be cow? I love my life and all the great stuff the world has to offer but things never run smoothly (well, not for long anyway) so I’ll be documenting the lot! Good, bad, happy, sad or just plain stupid! Enjoy!

Oh, if you want to leave a comment please feel free.

I should probably start by explaining the whole “Cow Eyes” thing! Are you sitting comfortably?… I don’t really care, just thought it would be polite to ask. Well, it all started last year, August to be precise.

I went on my first caravan holiday with two of the funniest, loveable and pretty much most entertaining women in the world! They also happen to be two of my best friends… so I’m just a bit biased. Now you’ll get to hear all about the stories behind the names and believe me there are many to tell!

Firstly, let me introduce us; I’m ‘Cow Eyes’. You maybe thinking “Ahh, she must have lovely chocolate brown eyes and long eyelashes …not unlike a nice milker” I hear you say! No. My eyes are blue, quite a nice blue actually and my eyelashes are great… and long… but thanks mostly to Christian Dior or the newest mascara on the market (we’ll talk more about that later too!) but yes, I have nice eyes so I’m Cow Eyes.

Next we have ‘Cow Face’. No, she doesn’t bare a huge resemblance to a Jersey cow but was the first of us to be christened! The baptism took palce during the aforementioned holiday… stay with me, details will follow!

Then there’s ‘Laughing Cow’. Just think of the ad for a well known cheese spread and you’re there! She laughs a lot! In fact she’s been known to wee herself as a result of continued and often drink fuelled bouts of giggles!

Now, ‘Laughing Cow’ has two adorable children… or calves you might say! Her daughter is ten years old, going on 19 and as such has been awarded the title ‘Stroppy Cow’. A little unfair really, she’s wonderfull in so many ways… and stroppy in so many others!

Then we have ‘Cow Pat’! He’s the youngest of us all. Sort of a cow in training! He was nearly nine months old when the poor hapless child was sentenced to a week in Cornwall with us lot. I still worry, that in years to come he’ll recount the stories for a psychologist to unravel! He was given the name of ‘Cow Pat’ as a result of…. now I can’t mince my words with this… his nappy! Cow poo pretty much sums up the aroma of what he expelled. Small people can create a huge smell!

Finally we arrive at ‘Dosey Cow’. Not an entirely glamorous name, granted, but here’s how it came about. This friend was not present on our holiday, although I hope we can rectify that one day and have a reunion for the whole herd of cows! As a result she felt somewhat left out. Understandable. Now, her maiden name was Dawes (I think I have the right) and as a result she was nicknamed ‘Dawesy’ (meaning ‘Dosey’) Cow. On learning this, us cows fell about laughing! A little heartless but incredably funny, so it stuck… and to be frank, it does kind of fit!